— LonerMorrison (@LonerMorrison) March 6, 2016
— LonerMorrison (@LonerMorrison) March 6, 2016
1 Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt.
Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one
Of Pharaoh’s staff, guard captain, bought him from
The Ishmaelites who had brought him there. 2 Joseph
Prospered, for God was with him, and he lived
Inside the house of his Egyptian master.
3 And when his master saw the LORD was with
Him and the LORD gave him success in all
That he did, 4 Joseph gained his favor and
Became his personal assistant, and
Potiphar had him oversee his household,
And he entrusted to his care all that
He owned, 5 and once he had him oversee
His household and all that he owned, God blessed
Potiphar’s household due to Joseph, and
God’s blessing was on all that Potiphar
Had, in the house and in the field; 6 so he
Left all he had in Joseph’s care; with Joseph
As supervisor, he did not concern
Himself with anything except the food
He ate. Now Joseph was well-built and handsome,
7 And after some time passed his master’s wife
Joseph and Potiphar’s Wife
By Guido Reni
Noticed him and said, “Come to bed with me!”
8 But he refused. “With me in charge,” he said
To her, “my master does not get concerned
With anything inside the house; all that
He owns, he has entrusted to my care.
9 No one is greater in this house than I.
My master has kept nothing from me but
You, for you are his wife. How then could I
Do such a wicked thing and sin toward God?”
10 And though she spoke to Joseph day by day,
Joseph refused to go to bed with her
Or even be with her. 11 One day he went
Into the house to do his duties, and
No household servant was inside. 12 She caught
Him by his cloak and said, “Come sleep with me!”
Leaving his cloak inside her hand, he ran
Out of the house. 13 When she saw he had left
His cloak inside her hand and had run from
The house, 14 she called her household servants. “Look,”
She said to them, “this Hebrew has been brought
Us to make sport of us! He came in here
To bed me, but I screamed, 15 and when he heard
Me scream for help, he left his cloak beside
Me and ran from the house.” 16 She kept his cloak
Beside her ‘til his master came home, 17 then
Told him this tale: “That Hebrew slave you brought
Us came up to have sex with me, 18 but as
Soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak
Beside me and ran from the house.” 19 His master,
Hearing the tale his wife told him that, “This
Is how your slave has treated me,” he burned
With anger. 20 Joseph’s master took him and
Imprisoned him where the king’s prisoners
Were locked up, but while Joseph was there in
The prison, 21 God was with him; he showed him
Kindness and in the prison warden’s eyes
He gave him favor, 22 so the warden put
Joseph in charge of all those held inside
The prison; he was made responsible
For all done there. 23 The warden paid no mind
To anything assigned to Joseph, for
God was with Joseph and gave him success:
In everything he did the man was blessed.
1 Later, the cupbearer and baker of
The king of Egypt riled their master, king
Of Egypt. 2 Pharaoh was disgusted with
His two officials, the chief cupbearer
And the chief baker, 3 and incarcerated
Them in the house of the guard’s captain, in
The same confinement Joseph had. 4 The guard
Captain assigned the men to Joseph, who
Attended them, and after they had been
In prison a while, 5 each of the two men−
The cupbearer and baker of the king
Of Egypt, who were held in prison−had
A dream on the same night, and each dream had
A meaning of its own. 6 When Joseph came
To see them the next morning, he saw they
Were glum, 7 so he asked Pharaoh’s men who were
In custody within his master’s house
With him, “Your faces—why so sad today?”
8 “We both had dreams,” they answered, “but there is
Nobody to interpret them.” Then Joseph
Asked them, “Interpretations—do they not
Belong to God? Tell me your dreams.” 9 The chief
Cupbearer thus told Joseph his dream. He
Said to him, “In my dream I saw a vine
In front of me, 10 and on the vine there were
Three branches. As soon as it budded, it
Blossomed, its clusters ripening to grapes.
11 With Pharaoh’s cup in hand, I took the grapes,
Squeezed them in Pharaoh’s cup and put the cup
Into his hand.” 12 “It means this,” Joseph said
To him: “Three branches are three days. 13 In three
Days Pharaoh will lift up your head and will
Restore you to your place, and you will put
Pharaoh’s cup in his hand, as you did when
You were his cupbearer, 14 but when all does
Go well with you, remember me and show
Me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and
Get me out of this prison, 15 for I was
Forcibly taken from the Hebrews’ land,
And even here I have done nothing to
Deserve to be confined inside a dungeon.”
16 When the chief baker saw that Joseph had
Given a favorable interpretation,
He said to Joseph, “I too had a dream:
Upon my head were three bread baskets, 17 and
In the top basket were all kinds of goods,
Baked goods for Pharaoh, but the birds were eating
Them from the basket on my head.” 18 “It means
This,” Joseph said: “Three baskets are three days.
19 In three days Pharaoh will lift off your head
And hang you on a tree and birds will eat
Your flesh.” 20 Now Pharaoh’s birthday was upon
The third day and he gave a feast for all
His managers and lifted up the heads
Of the chief cupbearer and the chief baker
Before his managers, 21 and he restored
To his position the chief cupbearer, so
He once more put the cup in Pharaoh’s hand, 22
But the chief baker, Pharaoh hanged, as Joseph
Had said to them in his interpretation.
23 But the chief cupbearer did not recall
Joseph, for he recalled him not at all.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
~Oscar Wilde. Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (1854 – 1900) was an Irish writer and poet. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of London’s most popular playwrights in the early 1890s. Today he is remembered for his epigrams and plays, and the circumstances of his imprisonment which was followed by his early death.
Money can‘t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan. Terence Alan Patrick Seán “Spike” Milligan (1918−2002), comedian, writer, musician, poet, playwright, soldier and actor
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
1 At that time, Judah left his brothers and
Went down to stay with an Adullam man
Named Hirah, 2 and while he was there he met
The daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua.
He married her and lay with her; 3 and she
Got pregnant and she bore a son named Er.
4 And she conceived again and gave birth to
A son whom she named Onan. 5 She gave birth
To still another son and named him Shelah.
At Kezib she gave birth to him. 6 And Judah
Obtained a wife for Er, his firstborn, and
Her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah’s firstborn,
Was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the LORD
Put him to death. 8 Then Judah said to Onan,
“Lie with your brother’s wife; fulfill your duty
Unto her as a brother-in-law to
Have offspring for your brother.” 9 Onan, though,
Knew that the offspring would not be his; so
Whenever he lay with his brother’s wife,
He spilled his semen on the ground to keep
From having offspring for his brother. 10 What
He did was wicked in God’s sight; so he
Put him to death too. 11 Judah then said to
Tamar, his daughter-in-law, “Live now as
A widow in your father’s house until
Shelah, my son, grows up.” Because he thought,
“He may die too, just like his brothers.” Tamar
Thus went to live within her father’s house.
12 Much later Shua’s daughter, Judah’s wife,
Did die. When Judah had recovered from
His grief, he went to Timnah, to the men
Who sheared his sheep, and the Adullamite
Hirah, his friend, went with him. 13 Tamar was told,
“Your father-in-law’s on his way to Timnah
To shear sheep,” 14 she took off her widow’s clothes,
And with a veil disguised herself, and then
Sat down at the Enaim entrance, which
Is on the Timnah road, for she saw that,
Though Shelah had now grown up, she had not
Been given him, his wife. 15 When Judah saw
Her, he considered her a prostitute,
For she had veiled her face. 16 Not realizing
She was his daughter-in-law, he went to
Her by the roadside and said, “Come now, let
Me sleep with you.” “And what will you give me
To sleep with you?” she asked. 17 “I will send you
A young goat from my flock,” he said. “Will you
Give me a thing to be a pledge until
You send it?” she asked, 18 and he said, “What pledge
Should I give you?” “Your seal, the cord with your
Seal, and the staff that’s in your hand,” she said.
So he gave them to her and slept with her;
He got her pregnant. 19 After she left, she
Took off her veil and donned her widow’s clothes
Again, 20 and meanwhile Judah sent the goat
By the Adullamite his friend to get
His pledge back from the woman, but he did
Not find her, 21 and he asked the men who lived
There, “Where is the shrine prostitute who was
Beside Enaim’s road?” “There hasn’t been
Any shrine prostitute here,” they said. 22 He
Returned to Judah and said, “I did not
Find her. Besides, the men who lived there told
Me, ‘There has not been a shrine prostitute
Here.’” 23 Judah said, “Let her keep what she has,
Or we’ll become a laughingstock, for I
Did send her this young goat, but you did not
Find her.” 24 About three months on, Judah was
Told this: “Your daughter-in-law Tamar is
Guilty of prostitution, from which she’s
Now pregnant.” Judah said, “Bring her out; have
Her burned to death!” 25 As she was being brought
Outside, she sent a message to her father-
In-law. “I’m pregnant by the man who owns
These,” she said, and she added, “See if you
Can recognize whose seal and cord and staff
These are,” 26 and Judah recognized them and
Said, “She’s more righteous than I am, since I
Wouldn’t give her to my son Shelah.” And
He did not sleep with her again. 27 When time
Came for her to give birth, there were twin boys
Within her womb. 28 As she was giving birth,
One twin put out his hand; the midwife thus
Did take a scarlet thread and tied it on
His wrist and said, “This one came out first,” 29 but
When he drew back his hand, his brother came
Out, and she said, “So this is how you’ve broken
Out!” He was named Perez. 30 His brother, who
Had scarlet thread upon his wrist to wear,
Came out and he was given the name Zerah.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.