March 10: Humor (Law and Lawyers)

March 10
Humor  

 

191.

Judge: I know you, don’t I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

 

192.

              From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

193.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

 

 

March 8: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
March 8
Humor

 

186.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.

~Matt Lauer, on NBC’s Today show

 

187.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

~George Gobol

 

188.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

~Wes Smithfuture 2mb

March 6: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
March 6
Humor
 181.

When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.

~Fern Naito

 

182.

If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.

~George Gobel. George Leslie Gobel (1919–1991) was an American comedian and actor. He was best known as the star of his own weekly NBC television show, The George Gobel Show, which ran from 1954 to 1960 (the last season on CBS, alternating with The Jack Benny Program).

 

183.

I once met an economist who believed that everything was fungible for money, so I suggested he enclose himself in a large bell-jar with as much money as he wanted and see how long he lasted.

~Amory Lovins. Amory Bloch Lovins (born 1947) is an American physicist, environmental scientist, writer, and Chairman/Chief Scientist of the Rocky Mountain Institute. He has worked in the field of energy policy and related areas for four decades. Harvard University-educated, he was named in 2009 by Time magazine one of the World’s 100 most influential people.

 

Money Matters.05b

March 6: Humor

future 2mb

March 6
 Humor

 

181.

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.

~Cokie Roberts

182.

Perfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare.

~René Descartes

 

 

183.

Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself anymore.

~Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 6: Humor

March 6
Humor  

 

181.

In Mackensworth v. American Trading Transportation Co., 367 F. Supp. 373 (E.D. Pa. 1973 ), District Judge Becker wrote his opinion in verse as follows:

 

The motion now before us

has stirred up a terrible fuss.

And what is considerably worse,

it has spawned some preposterous doggerel verse.

The plaintiff, a man of the sea,

after paying his lawyer a fee,

filed a complaint of several pages

to recover statutory wages.

The pleaded facts remind us of a tale that is endless.

A seaman whom for centuries the law has called “friendless”

is discharged from the ship before voyage’s end

and sues for lost wages, his finances to mend.

The defendant shipping company’s office is based in New York City,

and to get right down to the nitty gritty,

it has been brought to this Court by long arm service,

which has made it extremely nervous.

Long arm service is a procedural tool

founded upon a “doing business” rule.

But defendant has no office here, and says it has no mania

to do any business in Pennsylvania.

Plaintiff found defendant had a ship here in June ‘72,

but defendant says that ship’s business is through.

Asserting that process is amiss,

it has filed a motion to dismiss.

Plaintiff’s counsel, whose name is Harry Lore,

read defendant’s brief and found it a bore.

Instead of a reply brief, he acted pretty quick

and responded with a clever limerick:

 

“Admiralty process is hoary

With pleadings that tell a sad story

Of Libels in Rem—

[367 F.Supp. 375]

The bane of sea-faring men

The moral: Better personally served than be sorry.”

 

Not to be outdone, the defense took the time

to reply with their own clever rhyme.

The defense counsel team of Mahoney, Roberts, & Smith

drafted a poem cutting right to the pith:

 

“Admiralty lawyers like Harry

Both current and those known from lore

Be they straight types, mixed or fairy

Must learn how to sidestep our bore.

For Smith, not known for his mirth

With his knife out for Mackensworth

With Writs, papers or Motions to Quash

Knows that dear Harry’s position don’t wash.”

 

Overwhelmed by this outburst of pure creativity,

we determined to show an equal proclivity.

Hence this opinion in the form of verse,

even if not of the calibre of Saint-John Perse.

The first question is whether, under the facts,

defendant has done business here to come under  Pennsylvania’s long arm acts.

If we find that it has, we must reach question two,

whether that act so applied is constitutional under

Washington v. International Shoe.

Defendant runs a ship known as the SS Washington Trader,

whose travels plaintiff tracked as GM is said to have followed Nader.

He found that in June ‘72 that ship rested its

keel and took on a load of cargo here which was

quite a big business deal.

In order for extraterritorial jurisdiction to obtain,

it is enough that defendant do a single act in Pa. for pecuniary gain.

And we hold that the recent visit of defendant’s ship to Philadelphia’s port

is doing business enough to bring it before this Court.

We note, however, that the amended act’s grammar

is enough to make any thoughtful lawyer stammer.

The particular problem which deserves mention

is whether a single act done for pecuniary gain also requires a future intention.

As our holding suggests, we believe the answer is no,

and feel that is how the Pa. appellate cases will go.

Further, concerning § (a)(3)’s “shipping of merchandise”

[367 F.Supp. 376]

the future intention doctrine has already had its demise.

We do not yet rest our inquiry, for as is a judge’s bent,

we must look to see if there is precedent.

And we found one written in ‘68 by three big wheels

on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals.

The case, a longshoreman’s personal injury suit,

is Kane v. USSR,

and it controls the case at bar.

It’s a case with which defendants had not reckoned,

and may be found at page 131 of 394 F.2d.

In Kane, a ship came but once to pick up stores

and hired as agents to do its chores

a firm of local stevedores.

Since the Court upheld service on the agents, the case is nearly on all fours,

and to defendant’s statutory argument Kane closes the doors.

Despite defendant’s claim that plaintiff’s process is silly,

there have been three other seamen’s actions against defendant, with service in Philly.

And although they might have tried to get the service corrected,

the fact of the matter is they’ve never objected.

We turn then to the constitutional point,

and lest the issue come out of joint,

it is important that one thought be first appended:

the reason the long arm statute was amended.

The amendment’s purpose was to eliminate guess

and to extend long arm service to the full reach of due process.

And so we now must look to the facts

to see if due process is met by sufficient “minimum contacts.”

The visit of defendant’s ship is not yet very old,

and so we feel constrained to hold

that under traditional notions of substantial justice and fair play,

defendant’s constitutional argument does not carry the day.

This Opinion has now reached its final border,

and the time has come to enter an Order,

which, in a sense, is its ultimate crux,

but alas, plaintiff claims under a thousand bucks.

So, while trial counsel are doubtless in fine fettle,

with many fine fish in their trial kettle,

we urge them not to test their mettle,

[367 F.Supp. 377]

because, for the small sum involved,

it makes more sense to settle.

In view of the foregoing Opinion, at this time

we enter the following Order, also in rhyme.

ORDER Finding that service of process is bona fide,

the motion to dismiss is hereby denied.

So that this case can now get about its ways,

defendant shall file an answer within 21 days.

(Footnotes and headnotes are also in verse.)

 

182.

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.

~Benjamin Franklin

 

183.

There are laws to protect the freedom of the press’s speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.

~Mark Twain (1835–1910), American humorist, writer and lecturer

February 26: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
February 26
Humor

155.
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
~George Raft (born George Ranft; 1901 – 1980), American film actor and dancer identified with portrayals of gangsters in crime melodramas (mob films) of the 1930s and 1940s. A stylish leading man in dozens of movies, today George Raft is mostly known for his gangster roles in Billy Wilder‘s 1959 comedy Some Like it Hot, the original Scarface (1932), and Each Dawn I Die (1939), and as a dancer in Bolero (1934) and a truck driver in They Drive by Night (1940). Raft’s real-life association with the New York mob gave his on-screen image an added realism.

156.
The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste.
~M.W. Harrison

157.
Money is like love; it kills slowly and painfully the one who withholds it, and enlivens the other who turns it on his fellow man.
~Khalil Gibran

158.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
~Ronald Dale (Ron) Kittle (born 1958), former left fielder and designated hitter in Major League Baseball who was known mostly for his home run power, being named the 1983 American League Rookie of the Year

1001 Quotations Money Matters Ben Franklin_3.2MB

February 26: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
February 26
Humor

 

155.

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

~Wernher von Braun. Wernher Magnus Maximilian, Freiherr von Braun (1912 – 1977) was a German-American rocket scientist, aerospace engineer, space architect, and one of the leading figures in the development of rocket technology in Nazi Germany during World War II and, subsequently, in the United States. He is credited as being the “Father of Rocket Science.”

 

156.

Torture numbers, and they’ll confess to anything.

~Greg Easterbrook

 

157.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

~Steven Wright

 

158.

My old man claimed that the more complicated the law, the more opportunity for scoundrels.

~Robert A. Heinlein, The Door into Summer (1957)

 

future 2mb

February 26: Law and Lawyers: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.

February 26
Humor  

 

155.              I know you lawyers can with ease,

Twist words and meanings as you please;

That language, by your skill made pliant,

Will bend to favour every client;

That ‘tis the fee directs the sense,

To make out either side’s pretense.

~John Gay, The Dog and the Fox

 

156.

I’m convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.

~Justice Tom C. Clark

Justice Tom C. Clark

 

157.

Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?

A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.

Q: Who provided you with the description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?

A: Yes, sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?

A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

158.

[Definition of insider trading:] “Stealing too fast.”

~Calvin Trillin, “The Inside on Insider Trading,” in If You Can’t Say Something Nice 141, 143 (1987)