January 10: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
January 10
Humor

27.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy, your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
~Woody Allen (born 1935 as Allan Stewart Konigsberg), award-winning American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, and playwright, whose career spans over half a century

28.
We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls.
~Bill Bryson/ William McGuire “Bill” Bryson, OBE (born 1951), best-selling American author of humorous books on travel, as well as books on the English language and science

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January 9: Drama and Television

January 9
Drama and Television

25.
Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; days of joy, but not peace and happiness.
~Henrik Ibsen (1828 – 1906), 19th-century Norwegian playwright, theater director, and poet

26.
Robin (to Zelda the Great): We’ve got you, bank bandit!
[She disappears using a mirror trick.]
Robin: Holy Hole in a Doughnut. What happened?
~Batman (1966), “Zelda the Great“

 

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January 8: Humor

January 8
Humor

 

22.

Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

~Jonathan Swift, Essay on the Faculties of the Mind

 23.

The law will never make a man free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

~Henry David Thoreau

 

Henry David Thoreau

 

24.

Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt from jury duty.

~George Bernard Shaw

 

January 6: Humor (The Future)

January 6
Humor

17.
Science in the modern world has many uses; its chief use, however, is to provide long words to cover the errors of the rich.
~G. K. Chesterton. Gilbert Keith Chesterton, KC*SG (1874 – 1936) was an English writer. He wrote on philosophy, ontology, poetry, plays, journalism, public lectures and debates, literary and art criticism, biography, Christian apologetics, and fiction, including fantasy and detective fiction. Chesterton is often referred to as the “prince of paradox.” Time magazine, in a review of a biography of Chesterton, observed of his writing style: “Whenever possible Chesterton made his points with popular sayings, proverbs, allegories—first carefully turning them inside out.”

18.
We have lost the art of living, and in the most important science of all, the science of daily life, the science of behavior, we are complete ignoramuses. We have psychology instead.
~D.H. Lawrence. David Herbert Lawrence (1885 – 1930) was an English novelist, poet, playwright, essayist, literary critic and painter who published as D. H. Lawrence. His collected works represent an extended reflection upon the dehumanizing effects of modernity and industrialization. In them, Lawrence confronts issues relating to emotional health and vitality, spontaneity, and instinct.

19.
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
~Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein (14 March 1879 – 18 April 1955) was a German-born theoretical physicist who developed the general theory of relativity, effecting a revolution in physics. For this achievement, Einstein is often regarded as the father of modern physics and the most influential physicist of the 20th century. While best known for his mass–energy equivalence formula E = mc2 (which has been dubbed “the world’s most famous equation”), he received the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics “for his services to theoretical physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect.” The latter was pivotal in establishing quantum theory.

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November 8: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
November 8
Humor

 

857.

I have learned to use the word “impossible” with the greatest caution.

~Wernher von Braun

858.

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

~Will Rogers, New York Times, 23 December 1929

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November 6: Humor

November 6
Humor

850.
The theater is the only branch of art much cared for by people of wealth; like canasta, it does away with the bother of talk after dinner.
~Mary McCarthy

851.
Shopping is a woman thing. It’s a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
~Erma Bombeck

852.
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.
~Marcelene Cox

853.
When you ain’t got no money, you gotta get an attitude.
~Richard Pryor

854.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
~J. Paul Getty

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November 6: Humor

November 6
Humor

 

850.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

~Andy Rooney

 

851.

Pavel Chekov: I’ve been waiting to get you into a place like this for a long time.

James T. Kirk: Mr. Chekov, I know you and Miss Landon find each other fascinating, but we’re not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology.

~Star Trek: The Original Series, “The Apple“

 

852.

Leonard McCoy: Oochy-woochy-koochy-coo.

Spock: “Oochy wootchy koochy coo,” Captain?

James T. Kirk: An obscure Earth dialect, Mr. Spock. Oochy-woochy-koochy-coo. If you’re curious, consult linguistics.

~Star Trek: The Original Series, “Friday’s Child”

 

853.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

~Douglas Adams

 

854.

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me . . . only he’s an imbecile.

~Spider Robinson, Off the Wall at Callahan’s. Spider Robinson (b. 1948) is an American-born Canadian Hugo and Nebula Award winning science fiction author.

 

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October 22: Humor

October 22

Humor

809.
HELP SEX: This system is a computer and as such is not able to help with enquiries of this nature. For details on reproduction, see the Xerox documentation.
~Famous Help text from Essex Dec 10

810.
I am afraid that this chapter will amply demonstrate the truth of Clarke’s 69th Law, viz., “Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” In both cases the cure is simple though usually very expensive.
~Arthur C. Clarke, “Appendix II: MITE for Morons,” The Odyssey File (1984), p. 123

October 10: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
October 10
Humor

776.

It is assumed that when anyone gets into debt, the fault is entirely and always the fault of the lender.

~J. Paul Getty

777.

You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I’ve made lots of money making fun of me.

~Glenn Beck Glenn Edward Lee Beck (born February 10, 1964) is an American conservative, television network producer, media personality, radio host, author, entrepreneur, and political commentator. He hosts the Glenn Beck Program, a nationally syndicated talk-radio show that airs throughout the United States on Premiere Radio Networks.

778.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

~Phyllis Diller (1917 – 2012), American actress and comedienne. She created a stage persona of a wild-haired and eccentrically dressed housewife who made self-deprecating jokes about her age and appearance, her terrible cooking, and a husband named “Fang,” while pretending to smoke from a long cigarette holder.

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