March 10: Humor

March 10


The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

~Al Goodman



The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

~Eric Porterfield



Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

~Rich Cook

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March 10: Humor (Law and Lawyers)

March 10



Judge: I know you, don’t I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.



              From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.


Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.



March 8: Humor (Law and Lawyers)

March 8



An opinion was written with lines from the movie “Wayne’s World” and holding that defendant’s “most bogus” attempt at removal is “not worthy” and “way improvident,” and arguing that the defendant must “party on” in state court. Sections of the opinion are labeled “Hurling Chunks” and “A Schwing and a Miss.”

~Noble v. Bradford Marine, Inc., 789 F. Supp. 395 (S.D. Fla. 1992)



Amicable Settlement.


The herein matter having been scheduled for a trial by jury commencing July 13, 2011, and numerous pre-trial motions having yet to be decided and remaining under submission;

And the parties having informed the Court that the herein matter has been settled amicably (the Court uses the word amicably loosely) and that there is no need for a Court ruling on the remaining motions and also that there is no need for a trial;

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sand box and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a twelve foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory;



  1. The jury trial scheduled herein for July 13, 2011is hereby CANCELLED.

. . .

  1. The Clerk shall engage the services of a structural engineer to ascertain if the return of this file to the Clerk’s office will exceed the maximum structural load of the floors of said office.

Dated this 19 day of July, 2011.


Kenton Circuit Judge

~Kissel v Schwartz & Maines, Kenton Circuit Court of Kentucky (2011)



Divorce Denied.

The opinion is as follows:


Libel in divorce by husband against wife.

Answer by wife.

Issue on cruel and barbarous treatment.

Trial by judge without jury.

She his second.

He her second.

Her dowry to him five ready-made children.

His contribution to her the same number.

None added since.

She, without a vestige of feminine loveliness.

He without a mark of masculine attraction.

From start to finish a perfectly inexplicable and hopeless connubial absurdity.

One averred ground of divorce, her cruel and barbarous treatment.

Another, indignities to his person.

Only proved specific instance of former his nose broken by her use of a stove lifter.

Only proved specific instance of latter her un-ladylike behavior in the privacy of nuptial privilege.

Nose possibly broken in self-defense as testified.

Unladylike behavior possibly incited by his own lack of good manners.

No course of bad treatment on one side more than on the other.

Blame balanced as six and half a dozen.

Mutually mean.

He mean enough to seek divorce.

She mean enough to resist.

Parties too much alike ever to have been joined in marriage.

Also too much alike to be separated by divorce.

Having made their own bed must lie down in it.

Lying out of it, no standing in court.

Decree (for divorce) refused with allowance to respondent of $25.00 for counsel fees to be paid by the libelant.

~ Justice Fuller of the Court of Common Pleas of Pennsylvania at Luzerne, Kmicz v Kmicz, 1921 USFJDO 1, also at Luz. L. Reg. R. 330 and at 50 Pa.C.C. 588



February 26: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
February 26



We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

~Wernher von Braun. Wernher Magnus Maximilian, Freiherr von Braun (1912 – 1977) was a German-American rocket scientist, aerospace engineer, space architect, and one of the leading figures in the development of rocket technology in Nazi Germany during World War II and, subsequently, in the United States. He is credited as being the “Father of Rocket Science.”



Torture numbers, and they’ll confess to anything.

~Greg Easterbrook



When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

~Steven Wright



My old man claimed that the more complicated the law, the more opportunity for scoundrels.

~Robert A. Heinlein, The Door into Summer (1957)


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February 26: Law and Lawyers: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.

February 26


155.              I know you lawyers can with ease,

Twist words and meanings as you please;

That language, by your skill made pliant,

Will bend to favour every client;

That ‘tis the fee directs the sense,

To make out either side’s pretense.

~John Gay, The Dog and the Fox



I’m convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.

~Justice Tom C. Clark

Justice Tom C. Clark



Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?

A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.

Q: Who provided you with the description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?

A: Yes, sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?

A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



[Definition of insider trading:] “Stealing too fast.”

~Calvin Trillin, “The Inside on Insider Trading,” in If You Can’t Say Something Nice 141, 143 (1987)



February 22: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
February 22

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

~Earl Wilson



Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

~Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; 1935), American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician whose career spans over half a century.

1001 Quotations Money Matters Ben Franklin_3.2MB

February 22: Law and Lawyers: Humor


Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.

February 22



Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don’t think about sex at all . . . you know, they become lawyers.

~Woody Allen


This is what has to be remembered about the law; beneath that cold, harsh, impersonal exterior beats a cold, harsh, impersonal heart.

~David Frost

February 8: Law and Lawyers: Humor

February 8



By Defendant’s Attorney:  Tell me what you were like from age 17 to the present. What have your feelings been about having kids?

By Plaintiff:  I wanted to pursue an education and then meet the perfect person and be married a couple years, save some money, buy a house, and start a family.

Defendant’s Attorney: When did that change?

Plaintiff:  Well—

By Plaintiff’s Attorney:  —or did that change?

By Plaintiff: It didn’t.

By Defendant’s Attorney: I think we all realize that as we get older, we’re not going to marry the perfect person.

By Plaintiff’s Attorney: My wife did.



By Attorney: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

By Witness:  Because he was argumentary and couldn’t pronunciate his words.


February 6: Humor

Day Williams created this graphic depiction of this date.
February 6

It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
~Groucho Marx. Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (1890–1977) was an American comedian and film star famed as a master of wit.

Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.
~Frank Dane, British actor of the silent era

Money is a headache, and money is the cure.
~Everett Mámor

Money Matters.05b

February 6: Law and Lawyers: Humor

February 6



The Denver Post  may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, “the former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in serving the poor.”


A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: “Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.”


Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. “How’s it going?” someone asked. “Not too bad,” answered Diogenes. “I still have my lantern.”