Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
You’re free to worship as you please, and speak
Your mind about your leaders, travel where
You want to go, associate with weak
And strong, with poor and rich, to share and care
With others, to begin an enterprise,
To start or join a group, to marry one
You love and raise a family, to buy
And sell a house, a car, some land, a gun,
To run for public office, to delight
In privacy at home, humble abode,
To be tried fairly if you’re charged with crimes
And have a lawyer for defense, to fight
The government for rights, for changing codes:
You’re free, freer than men in any time.
For Your Name’s Sake
For your name’s sake,
O Lord, preserve
My life; your love
Won’t fail or swerve.
1 I’m Nehemiah son of Hacaliah,
And in this book I tell what I’ve done.
During the month of Chislev, when it was
Year twenty Artaxerxes governed Persia,
I was in Susa, his fort city, 2 when
Hanani, my own brother, came with men
From Judah; so I asked them of the Jews
Who had escaped from being captives in
Babylonia. Also, I asked them
About the city of Jerusalem.
3 And they told me, “Those captives
Are having many troubles.
Walls of Jerusalem are broken down,
And its gates have been burned.”
4 When I heard this,
I sat down and cried. For several days,
To show my sorrow, I abstained from food
And prayed: 5 Lord God of heaven,
you are great
And fearsome, and you faithfully maintain
Your promises to everyone who loves
You and obeys your laws. 6 I am
So please have mercy on me and reply
To the day-and-night prayer I make for these
People of Israel who serve you. I,
My family, and the rest of your own people
Have sinned 7 by choosing to defy you and
The laws and teachings you provided to
Your servant Moses. 8 Please recall
You made to Moses. You told him that if
We were unfaithful, you would scatter us
Among the foreign nations. 9 But you said,
Also, no matter how far off we were,
That we could turn to you and start obeying
Your laws, then you would bring us back
You’ve chosen to be worshiped. 10 Our Lord, I
Am praying for your servants—those
By your great strength and might.
11 Please answer my
Prayer and the prayer of your other servants
Who gladly bless your name, and
when I serve
The king his wine today, let him be blessed
By me and have him do what I suggest.
Scriptures about Jews As God’s Chosen People
‘Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine;
“For you are a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. “The LORD did not set His love on you nor choose you because you were more in number than any of the peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but because the LORD loved you and kept the oath which He swore to your forefathers, the LORD brought you out by a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.
“For you are a holy people to the LORD your God, and the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.
“You have today declared the LORD to be your God, and that you would walk in His ways and keep His statutes, His commandments and His ordinances, and listen to His voice. “The LORD has today declared you to be His people, a treasured possession, as He promised you, and that you should keep all His commandments; and that He will set you high above all nations which He has made, for praise, fame, and honor; and that you shall be a consecrated people to the LORD your God, as He has spoken.”
2 Samuel 7:23-24
“And what one nation on the earth is like Your people Israel, whom God went to redeem for Himself as a people and to make a name for Himself, and to do a great thing for You and awesome things for Your land, before Your people whom You have redeemed for Yourself from Egypt, from nations and their gods? “For You have established for Yourself Your people Israel as Your own people forever, and You, O LORD, have become their God.
1 Kings 8:53
“For You have separated them from all the peoples of the earth as Your inheritance, as You spoke through Moses Your servant, when You brought our fathers forth from Egypt, O Lord GOD.”
1 Kings 10:9
“Blessed be the LORD your God who delighted in you to set you on the throne of Israel; because the LORD loved Israel forever, therefore He made you king, to do justice and righteousness.”
1 Chronicles 17:20-21
“O LORD, there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears. “And what one nation in the earth is like Your people Israel, whom God went to redeem for Himself as a people, to make You a name by great and terrible things, in driving out nations from before Your people, whom You redeemed out of Egypt?
He has remembered His covenant forever, The word which He commanded to a thousand generations, The covenant which He made with Abraham, And His oath to Isaac. Then He confirmed it to Jacob for a statute, To Israel as an everlasting covenant,
For the LORD has chosen Jacob for Himself, Israel for His own possession.
“But you, Israel, My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, Descendant of Abraham My friend,
But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. “For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place.
“Remember these things, O Jacob, And Israel, for you are My servant; I have formed you, you are My servant, O Israel, you will not be forgotten by Me.”
“At that time,” declares the LORD, “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be My people.” Thus says the LORD, “The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness—Israel, when it went to find its rest.” The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”
“With weeping they will come, And by supplication I will lead them; I will make them walk by streams of waters, On a straight path in which they will not stumble; For I am a father to Israel, And Ephraim is My firstborn.” Hear the word of the LORD, O nations, And declare in the coastlands afar off, And say, “He who scattered Israel will gather him And keep him as a shepherd keeps his flock.” For the LORD has ransomed Jacob And redeemed him from the hand of him who was stronger than he.
“But as for you, O Jacob My servant, do not fear, Nor be dismayed, O Israel! For, see, I am going to save you from afar, And your descendants from the land of their captivity; And Jacob will return and be undisturbed And secure, with no one making him tremble. “O Jacob My servant, do not fear,” declares the LORD, “For I am with you For I will make a full end of all the nations Where I have driven you, Yet I will not make a full end of you; But I will correct you properly And by no means leave you unpunished.”
“For I will take you from the nations, gather you from all the lands and bring you into your own land. “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
“Say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD, “Behold, I will take the sons of Israel from among the nations where they have gone, and I will gather them from every side and bring them into their own land; and I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel; and one king will be king for all of them; and they will no longer be two nations and no longer be divided into two kingdoms. “They will no longer defile themselves with their idols, or with their detestable things, or with any of their transgressions; but I will deliver them from all their dwelling places in which they have sinned, and will cleanse them. And they will be My people, and I will be their God.
“For behold, in those days and at that time, When I restore the fortunes of Judah and Jerusalem, I will gather all the nations And bring them down to the valley of Jehoshaphat Then I will enter into judgment with them there On behalf of My people and My inheritance, Israel, Whom they have scattered among the nations; And they have divided up My land.
Hear this word which the LORD has spoken against you, sons of Israel, against the entire family which He brought up from the land of Egypt: “You only have I chosen among all the families of the earth; Therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities.”
I say then, God has not rejected His people, has He? May it never be! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin. God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew Or do you not know what the Scripture says in the passage about Elijah, how he pleads with God against Israel?
For finding fault with them, He says, “BEHOLD, DAYS ARE COMING, SAYS THE LORD, WHEN I WILL EFFECT A NEW COVENANT WITH THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL AND WITH THE HOUSE OF JUDAH; NOT LIKE THE COVENANT WHICH I MADE WITH THEIR FATHERS ON THE DAY WHEN I TOOK THEM BY THE HAND TO LEAD THEM OUT OF THE LAND OF EGYPT; FOR THEY DID NOT CONTINUE IN MY COVENANT, AND I DID NOT CARE FOR THEM, SAYS THE LORD. “FOR THIS IS THE COVENANT THAT I WILL MAKE WITH THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL AFTER THOSE DAYS, SAYS THE LORD: I WILL PUT MY LAWS INTO THEIR MINDS, AND I WILL WRITE THEM ON THEIR HEARTS. AND I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY SHALL BE MY PEOPLE..